Blog 32

So the increase in quetiapine hit me like a bulldozer last night. Dizzy isn’t the word. They kicked in about half an hour after taking them and I was out for the count. I actually dreamt for the first time in weeks last night. The decrease in trazodone to 50mg didn’t really effect me like I thought it would. The last time I reduced the doseage I woke up with horrible night terrors but I was only on 50mg of quetiapine then as well.

Emotions! Now I know we all get emotional from time to time but mine is getting a bit out of hand! There are certain films that everyone I know has shed a tear over, ET, The Green Mile ect. But Superman! Eh? Bloody superman? Now he has always been a hero of mine. The Christopher Reeve Superman that is. The original, the best in my opinion. Being born in 1976 I was around when they first came out and I was obsessed. Literally! I had the costume, wallpaper, bed set, alarm clock, figures. You name it I had it. I also lived and grew up around 10 miles from Pinewood Studios where the majority of them were made. When Superman 2 was being filmed I remember getting my poster autographed by Christopher reeve, Terence stamp (who played general Zod) and the other two baddies but I don’t remember meeting them? I just remember ‘people’ signing my poster. It’s a bit of a blur really. My dad doesn’t remember much about it either and I was only 4 at the time but I remember my signed poster having pride of place on my bedroom wall for years. God knows where it went or where it is now (probably in landfill somewhere) but it would be worth a fortune now I guess but if I ever found it there is no way I would sell it. My office at home is like a shrine to chelsea football club, pictures of my family and superman! Oh right get to the point Darren! Sorry! So lately my youngest daughter wants to watch the films over and over. Oh and the crappy supergirl film as well! Now everytime I hear the superman theme tune I get goose bumps and then burst into tears, well I can feel it coming so I leave the room, compose myself and return. Feelings came flooded back of being that kid in his superman costume flying round the house ready to defeat Lex Luther and co! Now I also downloaded the theme tune to my phone the other day and made the mistake of playing it though my Bluetooth speaker in my garage whilst I was working out on Weds, and yes you’ve guessed it, I was a blubbering wreck! My point is that this emotional state seems to trigger my mania off. Does anyone else find this happens to them as well? Not to superman as such but certain films and music? Christ, I even started blubbering at the film Armageddon last night the cheesy one with Bruce Willis in it!

My point is this hyper mania can be a curse as well as help. I mean, after my last superman blubbering session I just had to find that poster from my childhood. Now I knew that I wouldn’t find the actual one (not unless my dad realised the value and kept it without me knowing) but as close to it as I could find. I ran into the office, opened Google and searched! Now I saw a few on eBay, each around the £100 mark as if it wasn’t for my wife realising what state I was in I would have brought at least 2 of them! Ah ha I thought next best thing is as a computer screensaver/wallpaper but that wasn’t enough oh no. Now I had to turn my office into a shrine to christoper reeve! I felt guilty as well that I didn’t mourn his death in 2004 being my hero and all. I laugh now writing this but it’s scary how hyper mania can make you become completely irrational and lose touch with reality. Now my current goal is to identify and see the warning signs of hyper mania and try to deal with it when it hits but it’s like standing on train tracks being blindfolded and deaf trying not get hit by the train! Definitely work in progress!!! Oh and more good news my psychiatrist yesterday mentioned that when my medication is on track and I’m stable there are back to work support services available which is great to hear! I definitely want to do something where I can make a difference. Maybe helping fellow bipolar sufferers? The skys the limit I suppose but he made me realise that for the past few years I’ve been stuck on this merry go round of job, stress, anxiety, leave job, guilt etc. and now that I’ve been diagnosed I need to get better first and then baby steps to returning to work. So all positive so far!

Oh and you much watch the US TV series Homeland if you haven’t seen it. The lead character Carrie played brilliantly by actress Claire Danes suffers with bipolar! A great watch, I’m now on series 3! She must have studied bipolar as she plays the role brilliantly. The way the series shows her battle with taking lithium against her not taking it is spot on in my opinion. Like the Stephen Fry documentary she believes that she loses her creative side whilst I her medication. Def worth a watch. I’m hooked!

Oh joke time –

I bought a train ticket and the driver said: “Eurostar.”
I said: “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”

Have a great day peeps…..

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