Blog 24

Morning everyone! Today I’m going to start my blog with a joke as there’s too much doom and gloom on here…

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Right! Now I hope that made you all smile so on with the serous stuff…

Once again I couldn’t sleep last night, well not in my bed anyway so I got up after tossing and turning for about an hour and went downstairs and slept on the sofa. I can’t sleep in my bed, what’s that about? Regular as clockwork around 6pm (like yesterday as well) the hyper mania kicked in like a bulldozer. I couldn’t keep still, ideas racing around in my head and just impossible to switch off! I did manage to drift off eventually but I’ve noticed that if I’m tired in the evening my medication makes me dizzy as if I’m drunk but if I’m manic they make the mania worse. I get the shakes, my heart races, my feet are like ice cubes and when I close my eyes they roll around in my head!

The good thing about sleeping downstairs i suppose is that I am up at 8am this morning for the first time in weeks as the kids came in before they went to school and woke me up! I still feel groggy but I haven’t missed half the day in bed!

I’m worried sick about something my wife said to me last night ‘those mood stabilisers are killing your personality’ out of all the things that worries me the most when I decided on medication its that! As far as I’m concerned the meds are still getting into my system and I know I’m not on the correct dosage yet but will I lose who I am? I watched Stephen frys bipolar documentary and I completely understand his decision not to take medication as he believes he wouldn’t have been a success in his career without his bipolar. He thinks he wouldn’t have had the creativity or ideas without it. Or would he? He’s a brave man I think but I suppose he can afford to be. He doesn’t have to work if he doesn’t want to does he? He’s a multi millionaire and lives alone so he can hide away for days or even weeks at a time when he’s low. Some of us don’t have that luxury!

What do these drugs actually do? What does mood stabilisation actually mean? Will I still be my funny, spontaneous self that my wife loves and married? So many questions? Whos in control the drugs or me? How do I spot hypo mania from normality. It’s scary stuff in my head! Maybe joining a self help group is the way to go? Or maybe I’m just too impatient as usual and want all the answers now? Questions, questions, questions… That’s all I have at the moment!

I’ve also started to question how I feel and I think the CBT ive done in the past is helping me do that. When I’m hyper manic I love myself and everything around me but when I’m low it’s the complete opposite. But here’s a thought, nothing around me changes. Things carry on as normal. So it’s me who changes, mood wise isn’t it? The sun still rises and sets in exactly the same way! Finding that happy medium seems a long way off but the power of positive thought must go a long way to achieving that surely? We all know it’s hard to think positive when we are low but remembering what it felt like to be positive definitely makes things a little easier. There is nothing that can’t be fixed when I’m thinking clearly and positively so why should that be the opposite when I’m low? The problem I find with my bipolar is that it’s hard to remember what it was like feeling good even if it was just a few hours ago but the more it happens the easier it is to think positively I think? Or maybe it’s the medication helping?

Questions, questions, questions… Small steps Dazza, small steps!

Oh and please give me a like or leave a comment on the joke as there are plenty more where that came from! If I get enough likes it could become a regular thing!

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2 thoughts on “Blog 24”

  1. The joke was the first thing to make me smile today so thank you for that.
    I’m not sure I have any answers to any of your worries but I can relate to the extremes and the struggle to think positive when you’re down.
    You’re right, nothing changes except the person/the mood but I don’t think we were meant to be static and I’m not sure mood is meant to be stablised (says the woman who bought two laptops in her last serious manic period)
    I don’t know but I know you’re right about small steps. Everything takes time and tomorrow you will probably feel different about it all.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It took me 5 years to get stable and decide whether the medication battle was worth it. Stable off medications for the most part, it’s not easy but it works for me and my family, I work too. The key is to do what feels right for you. I’m terribly bias because I despise quitiapine

    Liked by 1 person

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