Blog 19

So New Year’s Day is finally here thank god. Maybe now we can all calm down and get back to normality. I’ve always hated new year. It’s a complete over the top waste of time. Happy new year? What? I don’t get it? Happy birthday, yes I get that, or happy anniversary, as these actually mean something. but new year? It’s just another day!

I can’t really remember much of yesterday it must be these bloody pills, except that I had an awful migraine and I had to go upstairs and lie down. Ibuprofen and paracetamol and peace and quiet for an hour or so. It did the trick.

So about 5:30pm my wife goes over to the hall to get it ready. We join the party about 9pm. A few tables out and a mobile disco. Kids skidding on the floor. The usual. The bloody music was so loud that I couldn’t hear myself think. I think the saviour of the evening was talking to a fellow, recently diagnosed bipolar II sufferer. She is due to start lithium programme soon as part of a drug trial where she will be monitored closely along with other sufferers. Why didn’t I get offered that? It still annoys me that my psychiatrist asked me to choose my medication. I wanted him to say ‘yes you’re bipolar, take this medication etc. like you would get at the doctors. No messing about. You’ve got this, so take that! Is it to take the responsibility away from the health professionals and onto us in case anything goes wrong? Or is it, as my wife thinks, because of my OCD and my desire to control everything that the choice had to be given to me? I still think it’s the first option – to cover their arses!

The biggest question I keep asking myself since starting the quetiapine is ‘am I myself’? I question everything I do at the moment. Am I in control or is the medication? Is what I’m doing right ot wrong? Once again I harp on about control but it really is a big part of my life and I honesty don’t know how to let it go?

I’m feeling surprisingly mellow and calm this morning and it’s quite refreshing. Long may it last but I doubt it! Usually this mellow phase doesn’t last and it’s a warning of a hyper manic episode that’s lurking just around the corner! But I have the football on my PC, The house is relatively quiet, My wife and daughter watching Harry Potter under a duvet on the sofa. So far so good!

The only good thing about New Year’s Eve is the fireworks from London. I’ve always loved watching them so whilst the rest of them joined hands for the yearly ‘Auld Lang Syne’ shit I sat with my daughter watching the fireworks live from Big Ben etc. on my phone courteousy of the bbc iplayer! So for the last and final time I hope to hear or say this… Happy new year!

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