Bipolar Darren blog 4

Right, so I’m up. I forced myself to get out of bed this morning when I first woke up as I said I would yesterday and even though I still feel a bit groggy, I feel much better than I did yesterday, so I am sure that staying in bed is not the way forward.

I also took my qietiapine and trazodone tablets together for the first time last night so maybe that helped? The questions going through my bed now though are –

– will I continue to feel drowsy, lightheaded in the mornings on these pills?
– should i still be taking the Trazodone as these could be making my morning drowsy and dizziness worse?
– I have a work training course on Friday in London and as I live in oxford I will need to get up at 6:30am! How is this possible on these pills?

But as I wrote the last question I started to feel more awake. Live in the now Darren don’t worry about tomorrow I keep telling myself but it’s easier said than done as I’ve always done this.

I have a day off today so I plan to do the food shopping and hopefully go back to my gym in garage which has been neglected for about a month since my bipolar diagnosis.

Oh and before I forget, I can gauge my mood by the amount of times I get angry at drivers when I’m cycling home from work. It’s 2 miles approx door to door and I noticed it yesterday. Some days I can ignore the arrogant drivers who show no consideration for cyclists and pedestrians who walk in the cycle lanes and you have to viciously ring your bell for them to move, but other days I will shout at them and I’ve even stopped before and got into a full scale argument with a motorist but I saw a young child in the passenger seat who looked scared so soon my anger turned to guilt. I also had an argument with the nice security guard in the local tescos the other day as he asked me politely leave my bike outside but because I didn’t want to I ranted at him ‘you’re an idiot’ I shouted. ‘Sod you then, I’ll take my business elsewhere’ I said as I walked out! What a Pratt I was, not only did I have to cycle to the next shop as my pride wouldn’t allow me to enter tescos again that day but I still had to lock my bike up! What the fuck was that about? That’s what I would be asking myself before my diagnosis but I don’t want to make excuses for my bad behaviour by saying ‘sorry mate not my fault I’m bipolar’ I want to be in control of my actions but it is hard!

Small steps dazza small steps!

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