so hello one and all. It’s been a while! As I sit here and write this I am doing some temporary work for 5 days at Oxford University as a conference administrator! The first job I have had since my diagnosis so all is well. Ive had a couple of ‘lows’ but nothing I can’t handle now that my medication is on track and the doseage is ok.
I’m really enjoying the job and the university is beautiful. I’m based at the St. Catherine’s college building and it really is a different world here! It’s like what Vatican City is to Italy!
So how are you all? I hope you you are all doing as well as I am!!
Hi everyone sorry it’s been a while since I last blogged but I’ve been struggling with my increase in quetiapine to 200mg. Feeling so low, tired, ratty, angry, guilty, low in that order from waking up till I go to sleep. A slight respite this evening as I feel ok for the first time in weeks! I’m sure it won’t last but making the most of it! I have my first appointment with the psychiatric follow up team tomorrow so gonna discuss this feeling like shite! I think I’m going to stop taking the quetiapine as I just can’t function at all on them! Lithium might be the way to go but we will see. I’ve had this feeling of needing a pee constantly which is so frustrating I can’t tell you how much. I’ve had my urine tested at the doctors but all came back ok so it must be psychological as my wife thinks? It worries me as around 20 years ago when I was still living at home with my parents in London i woke up in the middle of the night in agony as I needed a wee but I couldn’t go! My bladder was so full you could see it bulging in my stomach. My parents called an ambulance and I was rushed to hospital. I couldn’t sit down I just kept pacing up and down frustrated that I couldn’t go! Anyway a few hours later something shifted inside me and I went! It was the most overwhelming feeling to finally go I forgot to catch some of the pee that the doctor asked me too but at the bottom of the toilet I could see this multicoloured sand which I was told was probably a kidney stone that I finally managed to dislodge but they couldn’t be sure and to this day whenever I have problems with my water works I start panicking that it’s gonna happen again! Has anyone else had this problem on quetiapine?
So it’s day 5 of my increase to 200mg of quetiapine and once again I feel nothing except tired! Not up not down just, well nothing!
I went to bed around 12:30 last night after watching homeland and didn’t get up till 11:30 this morning! Lathargic, blurred vision, tired are the order today, oh and my constant thirst. But with constant thirst comes the constant trips to the loo! I managed to put the bins out for the dustman, tidy up, put a clothes wash on but these are things I do automatically due to my OCD.
It could also be the fact that I’ve dropped my daily trazodone intake from 100mg to 50mg before stoping altogether on Friday as per my psychiatrists orders. So the mania has stopped which I’m pissed off about as I love it. It’s like a drug that I can’t get enough of but I do act strangely and do stupid things but I love that ‘i don’t give a shit and I love everything feeling’ and the thougy of it not returning pisses me off! Yes it’s destructive, I can’t sleep, buzzing with ideas, applying for stupid jobs blah blah blah but if I could just control that part id be a happy bunny. But of course I can’t, hence the medication! As I’ve said in previous posts I totally understand why fellow bipolar sufferers choose to stay well clear of medication. It’s clouds your thoughts and cancels out your creative side. But on the flip side you think a lot clearer as is, you are not manic so can make more balanced decisions. I know that once this tiredness passes I should be there or there abouts medication wise or so I think! I’m thinking of just telling my psychiatrist on Friday when I call him that everything is ok even if it isn’t 100% as I want to get some sort of normality back. Planning ahead is totally out of the question at the moment but I can’t wait until I can start to do this again as living day to day is annoying the shit out of me and I’m bored as fuck to be honest!
Joke time –
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me: “How many potatoes would you like Darren?”
I said: “Ooh, I’ll just have one please.”
She said: “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.”
“All right,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”
Why did I sell my winter coat? I’ve been tearing the house apart today looking for it as it’s due to snow heavily on weds and I am dying to build a snowman with my youngest daughter. Then it hit me. It’s gone! During my last ‘sell everything I’m not currently using or wearing’ on eBay! That’s where my coat went! I probably got around a tenner for it tops as well! Gutted!
I’m in that horrible ‘limbo land’ feeling again today due to my increase in quetiapine. It’s not like its a shock, I went through exactly the same during my last increase so I just have to ride the wave I suppose! Hard to focus on anything though. no energy, blurred vision, cold feet etc. the usual! I am feeling like a bit of a waste of space though but I’m not low. I Just feel like I need to be doing something useful or meaningful so you could say I’m a mixture of high and low. Welcome to my limbo land! I’m also conscious that I’ve been hungry more than usual for the past couple of days but I’ve been good by eating extra veggies etc. but my oldest daughter baked a cake on Saturday and it’s delicious so I’m treating myself to the occasional slice or two! Who bloody cares! Me, that’s who! Oh you’re gonna put on weight, you shouldn’t be eating that. The voice in my head is back but at least I challenge him when I’m in this limbo phase.
Sad, but I did what I enjoy and good at today, I cleaned the house from top to bottom and did 2 loads of washing! The house is spotless. Spotless that is until the kids get home from school oh and my wife cooks their dinner later and uses every single kitchen utensil and leaves the kitchen like a bombs hit it! I laugh at other couples who moan that their husbands for leaving wet towels on the floor, dirty clothes etc. whereas in my house it’s a complete role reversal. My wife is the messiest person I’ve ever known (well apart from her brother that is, who’s a complete slob. I nearly threw up when I walked into his flat a while ago to help him move a new fridge freezer in!) usually it’s the woman who’s the house proud one isn’t it? I physically can’t stand dirt it mess! It’s winter time and the kids insist on coming in through the front door traipsing mud in with them! aaaaahhhh! Go round the back, take your shoes off at the back door like normal people! My wife just laughs it off even when she sees me scrubbing the mud off of the carpet! I can deal with mess to a certain point but my youngest daughter doesn’t just play, she wrecks! She insists on getting every single bloody toy out, plays with them for about 5 mins then walks off and muggins here has to clear it up! On the flip side though my wife is the most laid back person ive ever met and it’s a good job she is living with me!
Joke time –
I went to the doctor.
I said to him: “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said: “You’ve got cholera.”
So the increase in quetiapine hit me like a bulldozer last night. Dizzy isn’t the word. They kicked in about half an hour after taking them and I was out for the count. I actually dreamt for the first time in weeks last night. The decrease in trazodone to 50mg didn’t really effect me like I thought it would. The last time I reduced the doseage I woke up with horrible night terrors but I was only on 50mg of quetiapine then as well.
Emotions! Now I know we all get emotional from time to time but mine is getting a bit out of hand! There are certain films that everyone I know has shed a tear over, ET, The Green Mile ect. But Superman! Eh? Bloody superman? Now he has always been a hero of mine. The Christopher Reeve Superman that is. The original, the best in my opinion. Being born in 1976 I was around when they first came out and I was obsessed. Literally! I had the costume, wallpaper, bed set, alarm clock, figures. You name it I had it. I also lived and grew up around 10 miles from Pinewood Studios where the majority of them were made. When Superman 2 was being filmed I remember getting my poster autographed by Christopher reeve, Terence stamp (who played general Zod) and the other two baddies but I don’t remember meeting them? I just remember ‘people’ signing my poster. It’s a bit of a blur really. My dad doesn’t remember much about it either and I was only 4 at the time but I remember my signed poster having pride of place on my bedroom wall for years. God knows where it went or where it is now (probably in landfill somewhere) but it would be worth a fortune now I guess but if I ever found it there is no way I would sell it. My office at home is like a shrine to chelsea football club, pictures of my family and superman! Oh right get to the point Darren! Sorry! So lately my youngest daughter wants to watch the films over and over. Oh and the crappy supergirl film as well! Now everytime I hear the superman theme tune I get goose bumps and then burst into tears, well I can feel it coming so I leave the room, compose myself and return. Feelings came flooded back of being that kid in his superman costume flying round the house ready to defeat Lex Luther and co! Now I also downloaded the theme tune to my phone the other day and made the mistake of playing it though my Bluetooth speaker in my garage whilst I was working out on Weds, and yes you’ve guessed it, I was a blubbering wreck! My point is that this emotional state seems to trigger my mania off. Does anyone else find this happens to them as well? Not to superman as such but certain films and music? Christ, I even started blubbering at the film Armageddon last night the cheesy one with Bruce Willis in it!
My point is this hyper mania can be a curse as well as help. I mean, after my last superman blubbering session I just had to find that poster from my childhood. Now I knew that I wouldn’t find the actual one (not unless my dad realised the value and kept it without me knowing) but as close to it as I could find. I ran into the office, opened Google and searched! Now I saw a few on eBay, each around the £100 mark as if it wasn’t for my wife realising what state I was in I would have brought at least 2 of them! Ah ha I thought next best thing is as a computer screensaver/wallpaper but that wasn’t enough oh no. Now I had to turn my office into a shrine to christoper reeve! I felt guilty as well that I didn’t mourn his death in 2004 being my hero and all. I laugh now writing this but it’s scary how hyper mania can make you become completely irrational and lose touch with reality. Now my current goal is to identify and see the warning signs of hyper mania and try to deal with it when it hits but it’s like standing on train tracks being blindfolded and deaf trying not get hit by the train! Definitely work in progress!!! Oh and more good news my psychiatrist yesterday mentioned that when my medication is on track and I’m stable there are back to work support services available which is great to hear! I definitely want to do something where I can make a difference. Maybe helping fellow bipolar sufferers? The skys the limit I suppose but he made me realise that for the past few years I’ve been stuck on this merry go round of job, stress, anxiety, leave job, guilt etc. and now that I’ve been diagnosed I need to get better first and then baby steps to returning to work. So all positive so far!
Oh and you much watch the US TV series Homeland if you haven’t seen it. The lead character Carrie played brilliantly by actress Claire Danes suffers with bipolar! A great watch, I’m now on series 3! She must have studied bipolar as she plays the role brilliantly. The way the series shows her battle with taking lithium against her not taking it is spot on in my opinion. Like the Stephen Fry documentary she believes that she loses her creative side whilst I her medication. Def worth a watch. I’m hooked!
Oh joke time –
I bought a train ticket and the driver said: “Eurostar.”
I said: “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
Have a great day peeps…..
Sorry all I have to post this! Please can we have more positive even uplifting posts please? I didn’t want to mention this but I haven’t posted for a few days as I was sick of all the doom and gloom on here! Now don’t get me wrong I know a lot of these blogs are a self help guide (me included) but please can we have more happy posts! Pretty please! That is all!
Hi all. I haven’t blogged for a few days as I’ve been waiting for today really as I’ve just had my second session/catch up with my psychiatrist since my original diagnosis back on dec 2014.
So the outcome? Increase in quetiapine to 200mg daily and call him in a week. The usual drill. He was concerned that I haven’t had any real ‘lows’ but constant ‘highs’ since upping my quetiapine dose to 100mg. It could be the fact I’m not working anymore or mixing with it with the trazodone? Who knows? Anyway it’s a decrease in trazodone to 50mg daily and increase to 200mg of quetiapine. So probably more grogginess and irritability in the mornings but no change there then!
So I’m in the waiting room at the nut house earlier waiting to be seen and I swear I could have thrown that bloody clock out of the window! Tick tock tick tock… aaaahhhh it was driving me mental! It’s a strange illness this bipolar, because as soon as I sat down in his office I noticed that his clock was ticking in the exact same way as the one in the waiting room was, but for some reason now it felt soothing to listen too! Very odd??? Mood swings who’d have em hey!
I’m not complaining though as I would rather be high than low obviously but as my psychiatrist said now I need to try and identify feeling high from feeling normal! Normal? I’ve never felt like this before for such a long period. I suppose I would describe it as feeling mellow. Before I was either on the floor or away with the fairies so this is a strange feeling for me! So this is normal is it? This is whst normal people feel like most of the time? Now I get it!
“Hi normal I’m Darren, pleased to meet you! Wanna be best friends? You do, great! Let’s get to know each other”
I will try and blog tomorrow as I want to keep a record of my moods now that my medication has changed again.
Oh but before I go –
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts!!!
Boom boom! Until tomorrow my fellow nutcases! Have a good day!